Forty.

So I turned forty yesterday.

I'm not really one to get caught up in the age nonsense. I am what I am, and that's fine. I'm probably more confident than I was at 22, and I know I'm in much better shape than I was at 22 (I have a picture. Maybe I'll show it one day).

So why did yesterday twist me up so much?

In the past months leading up to the big 4-0, I have heard the following comments and had the following conversations (sometimes upon mentioning that I was about to hit the milestone, sometimes not):

• Forty-year-olds shouldn't shop at American Eagle/A&F/The Gap/you name the trendy store.
• Forty-year-olds shouldn't wear shorts.
• "When you're 40, you can stop wearing those," motioning to my high heels.

My favorite came from my husband, days after I ran my first (of many) marathons: "You know 40-year-olds don't run marathons, right?"

 So, let me get this right:

Because of my age, I'm supposed to be relegated to the Better Dresses section of Dillard's? Or the housedress/muu-muu department at Wal-Mart (oh hell no!)?

Because of my age, my legs should be shrouded in fabric at all times, never seeing the light of day?

Because of my age, my footwear should be similar to that of my 10-year-old -- flats and tennis shoes?

And, because of my age, I should stop pushing myself to the utmost limits of everything?

Geez. If that's what 40 means, then I should just give up now.

But I am not giving up. Ever.

Spring Breakdown

My last day of work until yesterday was March 6.

March 7, my sweet girlie got her tonsils out and I took sick time through spring break to be with her. She bounced back fairly quickly, but I had no way of knowing that before I took the time off.

I got spoiled during my time off. Spoiled, y'all.

Why get up at 4 a.m. to run when I technically had ALL DAY to do it? So I didn't. I ran in the evening, in mid-morning, in mid-afternoon. I ran whenever. I still kept to my six-day-a-week schedule, just not the early-in-the-morning part. I did get up at 6 this past Saturday to run because I planned to run 12 miles, but that was the earliest I got up.

That was a bad choice, because now that everyone is back to school and work, I am finding it just about impossible to get up at 4 in the morning to run.

So I'm going with it. Running in the evenings. Running in midday when I need to.

Just still running.

Triumph.

I'm going to be completely, perfectly honest here.

I think that I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to do. I don't know if that's bragging, but I think it's true. I believe it's true for anyone.

(And that's what I have told my two kids every single day of their lives.)

But, as The Gusher approached, I was feeling nervous about my goal to run the half-marathon in less than two hours. I've written about it here many times in the past few weeks: My running hasn't been going as well as it has in the past. The weather has foiled me. I've been tired. I've done it, but my heart hasn't always been in it.

Try as I might, in my Saturday runs, I would always finish 12 miles in an hour and 50-something minutes. That wasn't going to give me enough time to squeeze in another mile at all -- even math-incompetent me could see that. I'd start off strong, and do the first six in 40-something minutes, but I couldn't maintain it for the full 12.

So I was doubtful. And that makes my victory even sweeter.

How did I do it?

• I always do better in races than I do running by myself. Always. I've mentioned how competitive I am here before, and it is 100-percent true. Near the end yesterday, I was lagging and an older woman had the audacity to pass me. That was all I needed to kick it into high gear and get moving.
• I utilized a pacer. Most long races have them -- it's a person who is assigned to run the race in an assigned time, and you merely run along with them. It gives you security in making your time without having to think about it. I've never used one before -- I'm not sure The Gusher has had them before, and in the marathon in December, I tried to keep up with the 4:30 one, but I lost him eventually in the crowd. I found the 1:59 half pacer yesterday and I kept ahead of him. Even when I had to stop and go to the bathroom and got behind, I ran like crazy to catch up.
• Determination. I had my mind set to do this, so I was going to. That's that.

My time according to my watch was 1:58:21, but the official chip time was 1:59:03.7. Whatever. It was good enough for sixth place out of 38 in my age group of 35-39, and 121st out of about 500 half-marathoners. I cut 22 minutes off my last year's time.

I did good.

Reading & Running.

In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, I finished one book and started another. I was uncharacteristically up in the wee hours of Wednesday morning because I was worried about my girl. She was scheduled for a tonsillectomy that morning.

I finished a very depressing book (Swamplandia! by Karen Russell), and started a very uplifting book, Mile Markers: The 26.2 Most Important Reasons Women Run by Kristin Armstrong.

Even though it was 1 a.m., I wanted to get up and go for a run RIGHT THEN.

Even though I've never met her, Kristin Armstrong knows me. She has to because 99.5 percent of the things she writes are about me. Why I run, what I want my children to get out of this, how I feel at the finish line, how I feel at the starting line...

It's a great book and very inspirational. You can have my Kindle Fire when you pry it from my cold, dead hands, but this is one of those times I wish I had the actual book. I'm an underliner and a highlighter, and this one would be full of them.

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Tomorrow is The Gusher. I'm running the half.

Normally, I'd be a bundle of nerves and worries. But this year, not so much. I'm just excited and ready to get out there.

I guess when you leave it all out there for 26.2 miles, 13.1 isn't that big of a deal anymore. 

The sound of silence.

Yeah, I haven't been blogging much. What have I been doing?

Running. Riding my bike. Working out. Driving a certain beautiful girl to dance classes three nights a week. Trying to keep up with laundry, cooking, cleaning (ha) and the current book(s) I'm reading. Planning a kitchen remodel in a few months. Taking care of all the paperwork for our recent tree incident and Kate's tonsillectomy next week.

So I'm busy, and I haven't had a lot to say...

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I'm running the Gusher Half next Saturday. I want to do it in less than 2 hours. There will be a pacer for 1:59, so I'm going to stay as close to him as I can.

I'm going to sign up for the Pleasure Island Bridge race. There's a half, a 10K and a 2-miler. Not sure if I'm going to do the half or the 10K. The Rock N Roll Marathon in San Antonio is the weekend after that, so maybe I should stick to the 10K. I probably won't, but I'm thinking about it.

I bought a serious, utilitarian swimsuit. I can't find anyone to give me a refresher course, though! (To be honest, I haven't looked really hard, but I did e-mail two people. One said there wouldn't be any sessions until the summer, and the other hasn't responded.) I'm determined, though: I spent money!

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After The Gusher, I'm going to move to running 8 miles each day during the week, and then my long runs on the weekend. I'm faster, so it won't interfere with my morning routine. I may also switch to an evening running schedule. I'm still running in the morning most days, but there are some days when it just doesn't happen, so I make it up in the evening. Since the weather is (finally) nice, I'm OK with it.

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Because of Katie-Boo's surgery next week, I won't be able to meet with my trainer at all. I know I need to be home with the girl, but I'm going to miss the workouts. I've missed a day here and there, but not an entire week. I'll be able to increase my running time, though, in the evenings when Russ gets home from work, and when girlie recovers.

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I'm turning 40 in 19 days.

Trying not to think about that too much.