A mess.

That's what I am right now, y'all. A big old huge mess.

I only ran two miles yesterday. I didn't run at all this morning.

I hate this.

I need the goals of running marathons, bettering my time in half-marathons/10Ks/5Ks in order to keep on running. But in order to accomplish those goals, I have to stop running at some point.

And that is killing me.

And that is that.

I ran my last miles this morning before the marathon. It was 32 degrees when I set out (for comparison's sake, it was 36 degrees in Dallas, according to The Weather Channel).

So Sunday should feel practically balmy to me!

And now...I wait. I am going to be a complete and total mess from now until Sunday morning. I already feel out of sorts because I just ran two miles this morning.

The paranoia is starting to set in -- is that an ache in my knee? Should I put the kibosh on the heels this week to decrease the odds of my tripping and falling? And there's still the tights issue (after talking myself out of them on Sunday, I'm back on the fence today).

I did call and cancel my second night at the hotel yesterday. I get a late checkout because of the event, so I can stay until 4 and then hit the road. If all goes well, I'll be home by 9:30 or 10, so not bad.

But then, after I called and canceled the second night, I didn't get a new confirmation e-mailed to me, so now I'm worried about that.

Sigh.

Countdown

Y'all, I apologize in advance for this week's blog entries. I am so freaking EXCITED about the marathon (that's in a week, BTW) that I am sure I will be blabbering on and on about absolutely nothing.

It's 8:28 a.m. right now as I begin this blog. In exactly one week, I will be 28 minutes into my first marathon.

I'll probably be well into my third mile. (Fingers crossed.)

I still have a lot of decisions to make...am I going to stay the extra night, do I absolutely need to go buy a new pair of running tights right now, how far in advance am I going to start the carb-load, etc.

I think I am going to stay the extra night, but get up extra-super early the next morning to get home. Ideally, I'd like to get home in time to go to the grocery store and pick up the kids from school. That will require me to leave Dallas around 5 or 6 a.m., though, so we'll see about that.

The running tights...UGH...decisions! Whenever I run in cold weather, my bottom half doesn't get cold, ever. It was pretty damn cold on Thanksgiving morning for the Turkey Trot, but I ran in shorts and a long-sleeved shirt and was fine. I also have the issue of only liking certain shorts/skirts/etc. to run in. (Honestly, if I didn't know better, I'd think I have a sensory integration disorder.) I'm leaning toward running in my old running shorts -- the ones that are three sizes too big for me so I have to tie them really tightly. I'm going to layer up top. That's where I really get cold, but I know around mile 8 or 9, I'll be so hot I can't stand it. So, layers.

OK. I just talked myself out of buying new tights. :-)

My plan right now is to run my usual six miles on Monday and Tuesday, and then I'm done. I may still walk -- in fact, I KNOW I will walk.

The carb-load is confusing to me. What I've read recommends that you start carb-loading four days before the race. FOUR DAYS? That sounds insane to me. Right now, I'm going to start the carb-load Thursday evening. I'm not an elite athlete. I'm not planning on running a course record. I just want to finish!

The other thing about the carb-load is that the day before, you're not supposed to eat anything high in fiber. I'm a vegetarian: EVERYTHING I eat is high in fiber. So what do I do? I guess I'll stick to regular pastas, some potatoes. But it's going to be very difficult.

---

The other thing about this marathon is that I'm going to be away from my kids for three days.

I know: Most moms would KILL for that kind of thing. And also: I work. I have since Kyle was 9 weeks old. I've gone on business trips without them. They've spent multiple nights at friends' houses, their grandparents' houses, etc.

So this isn't the first time and it won't be the last time that I'm away from them.

But I always get this panicky feeling when I'm away from them for more than a day. I can't explain it -- I know they're being taken care of. I mean, hell, I'm leaving them with their FATHER, who some days is a more capable parent than I am (I am prone to freak-outs and overreactions). But the fact that I don't know what they're doing at this minute or that minute freaks me out.

I guess it's a mom thing. I'm hoping the excitement and nervousness about the race will take over the anxiety about the kids.


Hoping, hoping, hoping.

Gobble, gobble!

I have to admit, I haven't been very high on running over the past two weeks.

The waiting for the marathon was starting to wear on me. And the taper was starting to affect my moods. I was still getting up at 4 a.m., and putting the miles in, but I was happy about it. I wasn't eager.

And then yesterday happened.

Yesterday, I ran the Sea Rim Striders' Turkey Trot 10K. It's an annual event, and yesterday was my fourth one.

I wasn't really that excited about it. There were going to be a lot of people, and I'm not a fan of crowds. It was colder than it's been in a while here.

But I had paid my fee, and I had my number, and I needed to run 6 miles anyway, so I went.

I am so glad I did!

If you've never attended a race event, you should. I can't explain it, but the gathering of a bunch of runners is amazing. It's like all those endorphins are in one place and you just can't be upset or unhappy or sad.

It's impossible.

It was just the kickstart I needed. Eight days, 23 hours and 17 minutes (as of right now): Dallas White Rock Marathon. I can't wait!

Waiting.

There came a point late in my pregnancy with Kyle, that I was bored.

We had bought and moved into a house in May. In early June, I had multiple baby showers where I got more than any one baby would need. By mid-June, we had the nursery ready to go, I had washed every last onesie and burp cloth, and I had written and mailed every last thank-you note.

All we needed was the baby part.

That's how getting ready for a marathon feels. (And believe me, I hate comparing running a race to giving birth to a person, but as I think about this, that's the only event that compares.)

The big event is Dec. 4, so next Sunday.

I'm not going to get any faster or stronger between now and then. I'm just running my miles and waiting for the race.

---

So I mentioned last week about my worries for the taper. It all came to a head on Saturday.

I only ran 10 miles Saturday morning. And I had a pretty good rest of the day -- got my hair cut, we bought a new Christmas tree, went to eat, the Aggies killed Kansas, my house was clean, the laundry was done...no complaints at all.

But all day long, no matter if I was laughing at something one of the kids or Russ said, or relaxing with a book in the recliner, I felt like I was literally five seconds away from bursting into tears.

Taper + PMS = very bad things.

I weathered it by simply staying in that recliner for most of the evening. I woke up Sunday feeling like myself again.

This marathon cannot get here soon enough. If I've learned anything through this taper, it's how much I NEED to run.

The taper.

So, yesterday, I started my taper. The marathon is three weeks away, and I know -- even though it goes against EVERYTHING in my heart -- that tapering is the right thing to do and I need to do it.

I don't know that I'm going to do it entirely like Web sites and experts recommend. But I did just run 12 miles yesterday morning, and I will just run 10 this coming weekend, and I likely will take off an extra day this week.

Sigh.

I'm worried about this from two big perspectives:

First, my weight. I am not eating tons of junk, but if I wanted to, the amount of miles I run allows me to do so without bursting out of my size 2 jeans. So when I do fall off the wagon (like last night -- buttermilk pancakes at IHOP), it's OK. My once-a-week specialty drink at Starbucks (peppermint mocha, I'm looking at YOU) isn't going to drag me down.

But if I cut my running by 70 percent, which is what the Web sites and experts recommend... I'm scared.

Second, my moods. Years ago, after I lost quite a bit of weight but before I lost a LOT of weight and started running, my GYN diagnosed me with pre-menstrual dysmorphic disorder and put me on 10 mg of Prozac, to be taken starting mid-cycle.

I know that Prozac isn't for everyone, but for me, it was a MIRACLE. Instead of an international incident being declared because Kyle left his shoes in the middle of the living room, I could simply request that he put them in his bedroom. Instead of heading to divorce court because Russ didn't read my mind and know that I wanted to go eat Mexican food instead of burgers, I just suggested, "How about Mexican instead?"

I have my quirks, but typically I'm reasonable and rational, except for when the hormones start surging. The Prozac helped me overcome those surges and evened out my moods. I just took it two weeks a cycle and then nothing until the next midpoint.

I don't take it anymore. When I started running quite a bit, the endorphins kicked in and the artificial "endorphins" weren't necessary anymore.

So if I'm not running as much... I'm scared.

I'm going to have to work extra-hard to make sure none of this stuff happens. Maybe if I walk instead of run, I'll be OK. Maybe the extra sleep (although I know I won't sleep in) will make it easier for me to deal with things. Who knows?

---

I'm starting a list of things I need to do and/or get before the marathon:

1. A new wristband for my Garmin Forerunner 405. When I wear it, I have to cinch it up a lot to sit on my wrist correctly -- it's technically too big, but there are no sizes on these things. And when I sweat, it makes it difficult to take it off. One morning, in a fit of frustration, I pulled on it so hard that I broke the band. I've been taping it to make it work, but I really need to get a new one before the marathon.

2. New running tights. The ones I have from last year are so freaking big. Seriously.

3. New music. I've been running to Matt Nathanson, Maroon 5, OneRepublic, et al., for so long that I don't even think I hear them anymore. Before the marathon, I need to replenish for sure, and then restructure my playlist so that it's PERFECT.

4. Earmuffs or an ear headband-thingy. I don't know how cold it's going to be in DFW, so I have to be prepared for both extremes. I have a hat that I wear here when it's cold, but I think I want earmuffs/earband for the race.

Mind Games.

Last week, I felt ready. Confident, even.

I ordered a pair of pink compression socks with hearts on them for my recovery after the marathon.

I ran 20 miles on Saturday in a little more than 3:30.

I felt pretty great the rest of Saturday, just a little sore, but nothing crazy.

Then, I read on the Internet the experiences of those who ran the NYC Marathon on Sunday. One runner woke up Monday with a swollen foot -- a stress fracture. Another posted that he had a difficult time walking up and down the stairs. It was just yesterday that he felt "normal."

I was Googling marathon stuff (almost as bad as Googling pregnancy issues, trust me -- NEVER do that), and came across a calculator. You put in your last mileage and run time and it calculated an estimation of how long it would take you to finish a 5K or a half-marathon or a full. I typed in my 20-mile, 3-hour and 30-minute time, and got an estimate of 4 hours and 40+ minutes.

What?

Then I got scared. And worried.

I know I'm going to have to cut back on my running over the next three weeks. Besides keeping my weight at a healthy number, running does a lot for my moods. How is the decrease going to affect that?

What if I injure myself in the next three weeks? I wear high heels. I'm naturally clumsy. I run 50 miles a week. It could happen.

I have booked my hotel in DFW for two nights -- Saturday and Sunday. I figured I wouldn't feel much like driving six hours home after running 26.2 miles. But then I started doubting myself on that. I'm always pumped up after a race, so what better time to start a long drive? I'm going to miss Russ, Kyle and Kate so much. Plus, if I come home on Monday, Russ is going to have to do the whole morning routine and that will not go well (I once received an early-morning phone call from him while on a business trip, because Katie lost it because he put syrup on her waffles. She HATES syrup.).

I'm worried about what's going to happen AFTER the marathon. The first time I ran a half-marathon (2007), I stopped running and gained all sorts of weight and it was AWFUL. So I know I have to have a plan for that.

I had to make myself STOP worrying and be reasonable and rational.

For starters, the runner I referenced above who had a stress fracture? She trained for the NYC Marathon in about six weeks, because she was offered a spot on a charity team. I've been running for a year. The runner who couldn't walk up and down stairs? Big whoop. I don't have stairs at my house.

I know that I will likely have some mood issues with decreased running. So I need to prepare myself for that.

The injury thing, well, I can't do much about that. Just hope and pray.

My plan for afterward? Another race. I'm going to sign up for The Gusher half, and plan on running the Houston Marathon.

Still haven't decided about the hotel stay. Some days, I think I'll stay over and enjoy sleeping. Others, I think I'll just come on home to my husband  and babies.

Either way, I'm going to do this. For real.

Thirty-one days.

Exactly 31 days from RIGHT NOW (6:01 a.m.), I can tell you exactly what I'll be doing.

I'll be wearing my favorite pair of running shorts, my favorite SmartWool socks, my Nikes, a long-sleeved shirt and a hoodie over it.

I'll be sitting in my hotel room in Dallas, telling myself I can do this, alternating between being so terrified that I can't stand it and being so excited that I can't stand it.

I'll head down to the lobby to catch the first shuttle of the day at 6:15 and head to Fair Park.

Once I'm there, I'll check my bag, get some water, do some stretching, look around at the other runners and be intimidated.

I'll doubt myself. I'll be proud of myself.

And then, come 8 a.m., I'll run.

White Rock Marathon, I'm coming for you.