Running MY race.

I am horribly competitive.

It can be a good thing: Once I decide to do something, or once I tell you I'm going to do something, or once you ask me to do something, I'm going to do it and you are going to get the best product/service that I possibly can give.

It can be a bad thing. I don't just want to win; I want to decimate you. It's not enough for me to simply have the most points at the end. I want you to feel badly about that fact.

Yeah. Not too many board games played at the Miller household. The last time Russ and I played Scrabble was October 1999, and it wasn't pretty.

This naturally transfers right over to my running. When I'm running by myself in my neighborhood or the park or the hike and bike trail, I'm good. Sometimes I run fast (for me). Sometimes I run pretty damn slowly. Sometimes I'm in the middle. And I'm OK with that.

But when I'm in a race -- what little sanity I have goes right out the window. I want to win.

Even in the 5Ks I ran before I got Serious About Running, I wanted to win. I was insane with desire to win. In my heart of hearts, I knew I couldn't and wouldn't, but that...whatever deep inside me...didn't listen. I gave my kiddos the speech about how it's not winning that's important, it's getting out there that is, but in my head, I was thinking, "Forget that crap. I want to WIN!"

So I'd start off fast, fast, fast (for me) and peter out by the second mile. Same thing with 10Ks.

It's gotten a little better now. But I'm a better runner, too, and so the odds of my actually winning a race have increased. I actually did win a 5K this season (the trophy is on my desk at work right now). I still start out way too fast, and if there are people ahead of me, I will kill myself to pass them.

I'm in good enough shape now that I can do that and still finish the race and still have a good time.

I cannot do that on Sunday.

I have to run my race. Mine. Not anyone else's.

Those people who start off really, really fast at the beginning? I can't worry about them.

Those people who finish the marathon in 2 hours, 30 minutes? I can't worry about them.

This race is not mine to win, no matter how much my competitive nature would like it to be so. It's just not. I'm 39 years old, and while I'm in the best shape of my entire life, I'm not a marathon winner.

But I can be a marathon finisher.