Nightmares.

I pull a pair of jeans from my closet and slip them on. I'm thinking about a million things -- do I have my stuff for work, did I remember to send extra pencils with Kyle, does Katie have lunch money -- so it takes me a few minutes to realize that my jeans are way too tight. I can't even pull them all the way up my thighs.

I pull them off, toss them to the side, and get another pair. Same thing happens.

And another and another and another and another. I'm getting frantic and...

Then I wake up. I can feel myself blushing in the dark, angry with myself for letting that weight creep back on.

Then I realize it was a dream -- a nightmare, really -- and I breathe a sigh of relief. But then I get up and go to the bathroom, turn on the light and look at myself.

I need reassurance that I'm still doing OK.

This doesn't happen every night or even every week, but in the past month, I've had this same nightmare two or three times.

I am not going to gain this weight back. I AM NOT. I refuse.

I've been there, done that. Lost 100+ pounds, felt great, looked good and then just let it go...

I remember the day when I realized that I was gaining weight back. I knew, in my head, that I had gained back about 6 or so pounds, but I was telling myself that no one was noticing, that I was still OK.

I went downstairs at work to get something out of the vending machine for an afternoon snack. A co-worker (who no longer works there) said, "Oh congratulations!" I looked at her puzzled and she made the motions of a pregnant belly.

And the blood drained out of my face.

(For what it's worth, I personally don't ask a woman any pregnancy-related questions unless I actually see a baby emerging from the birth canal. That's my rule. You can use it if you'd like.)

Needless to say, I didn't go to the vending machine.

I've gotten a little lax in my eating habits. Not that I'm eating copious amounts of food, because I'm not. But I did enjoy a Mini-Blizzard from DQ this past weekend, after the kids and I had a picnic at the park and hiked a couple of miles. I've snitched a few pieces of Easter candy from their baskets.

But the core of my lifestyle changes are still in place: I'm still running like there's no tomorrow. I'm still a vegetarian. I'm still drinking a ton of water. I'm still reducing the amount of diet drinks I drink. I'm still seeing the trainer.

These dreams are my subconscious keeping me in check. And I'm glad.